So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
