I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Randomize
