After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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