I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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