I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
