my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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