I faked an abortion last night.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
