I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
