ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
