I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
