I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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