I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
why is half of my head shaved?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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