My liver just broke up with me...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
