It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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