Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
