i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
