im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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