I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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