it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
