someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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