There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
