i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
