I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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