I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
