i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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