i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It's blow job season.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm gonna fight the coyote
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
