Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
