You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
