Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
