My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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