there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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