If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
