Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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