You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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