it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
