Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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