Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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