I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
