I'm passing your future prison.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
