I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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