Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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