Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
