So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
