Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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