Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
