Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
