i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
