god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
When are your genitals available?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
