I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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