he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
