'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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