i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
